Tuddrussell
02-23-2010, 11:57 AM
I have seen several therapists, and one psychiatrist, (Who was a douche-bag, no offence to psychiatrists, It had more to do with the man than the profession. Also he put me on adhd meds that really messed me up.) and one of them thought I had avoidant personality disorder, he was the one I saw the longest, and he was one of few of them I actually respected, and the only one I respected as a therapist.
Another thought I had schizoid personality disorder, but I really disliked that guy, every time he asked one of those weird therapist's question he would have this really smug, almost snake-like smirk, and he used way too much aftershave. The only things I liked about him was he would play chess with me occasionally, also he had really nice couches, and a good taste in office decor.. warm greens, over cool greys, and tasteful paintings.
The only thing all of them agreed on is that I have adhd, ocd, social problems, and a bad childhood.
The ones I was with the longest were the ones that sought me out, and didn't require me to make the first move. I'll talk with someone for hours, and enjoy it immensely, but I never start conversations, mostly because I have no idea how to approch people, and I have a crippling fear of awkwardness.
I have a lot of problems socializing with people, it's like I missed most of the days in school when they were teaching those lessons.
If someone invites me to a party, I'd go, but when I'm there I'll just hang around an exit, or the buffet table, or in a shady corner... basically where either I have an escape route, or a distraction, or where I'm less likely to be noticed.
I am six foot six, three hundred pounds, and I am an asexual, pagan, mensa member... I don't really fit in anywhere, and even if I did, I wouldn't know how to interact with anyone.
I actually want to find love some day, start a family, and live a good life... but even thinking about dating, and especially rejection makes me nauseous.
bleh...
I am told I unnerve people, I am a rather large person, and I always look tense, and gravitate towards the exits, and away from crowded areas, I slouch, and don't look people in the eyes, and it just makes people nervous, I've actually been kicked out of places because the wait staff, or guards were freaked out by me.
Do you know how awful it is being kicked out of somewhere because you perfectly fit the cliché description of a serial killer?
I've even been suspended from school for similar reasons, the columbine incident made a lot of school officials paranoid, and apparently some kid told his, or her parent about the "Creepy loner, with the shifty eyes", and word got around.
I have tried going to the local therapists, but eventually I'll miss a day, and then get nervous about going back, and how it'll be awkward, and by the time I work up the nerve to go back, the "What if it's too late?" question haunts me, and I end up never going.
How do I get help about socializing, if I have to socialize in order to do so?
I hate being alone, and I hate it even more when I feel lonely with a lot of people around.
First I get lonely, then I get depressed, then I try to lose myself in my work, (I am an amateur author, and a science major.) until I reach a dull numb state, then I just do the things I love until I feel better: Writing, video games, philosophy, science, and science fiction/fantasy.
Then something comes up that reminds me how pathetic I am, or how bleak my future is likely to be, and I go right back to where I started.
...I could “talk” for hours/pages longer, but I think I got the important things down.
Another thought I had schizoid personality disorder, but I really disliked that guy, every time he asked one of those weird therapist's question he would have this really smug, almost snake-like smirk, and he used way too much aftershave. The only things I liked about him was he would play chess with me occasionally, also he had really nice couches, and a good taste in office decor.. warm greens, over cool greys, and tasteful paintings.
The only thing all of them agreed on is that I have adhd, ocd, social problems, and a bad childhood.
The ones I was with the longest were the ones that sought me out, and didn't require me to make the first move. I'll talk with someone for hours, and enjoy it immensely, but I never start conversations, mostly because I have no idea how to approch people, and I have a crippling fear of awkwardness.
I have a lot of problems socializing with people, it's like I missed most of the days in school when they were teaching those lessons.
If someone invites me to a party, I'd go, but when I'm there I'll just hang around an exit, or the buffet table, or in a shady corner... basically where either I have an escape route, or a distraction, or where I'm less likely to be noticed.
I am six foot six, three hundred pounds, and I am an asexual, pagan, mensa member... I don't really fit in anywhere, and even if I did, I wouldn't know how to interact with anyone.
I actually want to find love some day, start a family, and live a good life... but even thinking about dating, and especially rejection makes me nauseous.
bleh...
I am told I unnerve people, I am a rather large person, and I always look tense, and gravitate towards the exits, and away from crowded areas, I slouch, and don't look people in the eyes, and it just makes people nervous, I've actually been kicked out of places because the wait staff, or guards were freaked out by me.
Do you know how awful it is being kicked out of somewhere because you perfectly fit the cliché description of a serial killer?
I've even been suspended from school for similar reasons, the columbine incident made a lot of school officials paranoid, and apparently some kid told his, or her parent about the "Creepy loner, with the shifty eyes", and word got around.
I have tried going to the local therapists, but eventually I'll miss a day, and then get nervous about going back, and how it'll be awkward, and by the time I work up the nerve to go back, the "What if it's too late?" question haunts me, and I end up never going.
How do I get help about socializing, if I have to socialize in order to do so?
I hate being alone, and I hate it even more when I feel lonely with a lot of people around.
First I get lonely, then I get depressed, then I try to lose myself in my work, (I am an amateur author, and a science major.) until I reach a dull numb state, then I just do the things I love until I feel better: Writing, video games, philosophy, science, and science fiction/fantasy.
Then something comes up that reminds me how pathetic I am, or how bleak my future is likely to be, and I go right back to where I started.
...I could “talk” for hours/pages longer, but I think I got the important things down.