Lexir
04-07-2010, 11:02 PM
I really don't understand what's going on, if anything at all.
For the past 3 months i've basicly just been laying in bed and watching TV. I stopped going to sixth form, stopped talking to my 'friends', I don't really like them anyway and I'm scared of going outside my house, in fact even my room. I hate my parrents, and my brother drives me crazy half the time. I don't really feel that much anymore, the only things that exsite me are Tv shows or new video games, I find it hard to see myself live to 20 (18 ATM), even till the next month half the time.
I feel useless, dying and worthless. I don't have any hopes or dreams or plans. I started cutting myself because I was really sad, and I keep doing it daily, even when I'm not that sad. But I also feel emotionally dead, I don't feel I can really show my emotionals... Since ever, even before all this.
I was always the ultra quiet kid, and ultra shy. I'd bunk off school whenever I would have to speak in front of the class, and the few times when I had no choice, I'd get through it as quickly as possable and think, 'that wasn't so bad' but whenever it came up again it wasn't any easyier to face, and I'd avoid it all the same.
I seem to kinda hate everyone, whenever I met someone new or whatever I'll be defencive and closed up and think that they don't like me just as much. Even friends half the time I Don't really like them.
But their was one who was like the only person I have ever really not hated, but after time I would almost be suicidal unless I was around him, I only ever felt comutable when I was with him, ofc I never told him that.
But after time I'd get upset over him spending time with other people because I was scared that maybe he didn't really like me that much and would ditch me at first chance...
Well like 3ish months ago he said he didn't want to be friends anymore and all of this started. At first I texted him alot and phoned a bit, I spend a hell lot of money, but soon it ran out and I'm too scared to go out to put more on. It's ironic that he lives like a 2 min walk from my house.
Now half the time I'm in bed crying and trying not to think about him, while the other half I'm 'fine' in a walking corspe sense.
I'm scared of my parrents knowing and act as normal as possible when they around, and the few times i've been forced outside I normally get through it fine-ish but by time it happens again I'm even more scared.
I'm finding it hard to think a lot of the time and just don't know what to do... The only person who I'd ever really want to talk to was him and he hates me...
My mom wants me to go to the shops tomorrow and I'm thinking about overdosing so I don't have do, although last time I tried nothing happened.
After writing all that I really doubt that's how I am really feeling, I'm scared of being wrong, I'm scared of being mentally healthly... I keep thinking maybe I'm just lazy and using this so I don't have to do anything, dunno if that's silly but I keep thinking that I'm fine and that it's all in my head, over-reacting, that the docters would just laugh at me. I seem to be mostly only sad when I think about him so maybe I just can't get over him I dunno...
Although I've always been ultra shy and disliking everyone so I really don't know...
Urgh, sorry if this is too long or the wrong place to post it.
For the past 3 months i've basicly just been laying in bed and watching TV. I stopped going to sixth form, stopped talking to my 'friends', I don't really like them anyway and I'm scared of going outside my house, in fact even my room. I hate my parrents, and my brother drives me crazy half the time. I don't really feel that much anymore, the only things that exsite me are Tv shows or new video games, I find it hard to see myself live to 20 (18 ATM), even till the next month half the time.
I feel useless, dying and worthless. I don't have any hopes or dreams or plans. I started cutting myself because I was really sad, and I keep doing it daily, even when I'm not that sad. But I also feel emotionally dead, I don't feel I can really show my emotionals... Since ever, even before all this.
I was always the ultra quiet kid, and ultra shy. I'd bunk off school whenever I would have to speak in front of the class, and the few times when I had no choice, I'd get through it as quickly as possable and think, 'that wasn't so bad' but whenever it came up again it wasn't any easyier to face, and I'd avoid it all the same.
I seem to kinda hate everyone, whenever I met someone new or whatever I'll be defencive and closed up and think that they don't like me just as much. Even friends half the time I Don't really like them.
But their was one who was like the only person I have ever really not hated, but after time I would almost be suicidal unless I was around him, I only ever felt comutable when I was with him, ofc I never told him that.
But after time I'd get upset over him spending time with other people because I was scared that maybe he didn't really like me that much and would ditch me at first chance...
Well like 3ish months ago he said he didn't want to be friends anymore and all of this started. At first I texted him alot and phoned a bit, I spend a hell lot of money, but soon it ran out and I'm too scared to go out to put more on. It's ironic that he lives like a 2 min walk from my house.
Now half the time I'm in bed crying and trying not to think about him, while the other half I'm 'fine' in a walking corspe sense.
I'm scared of my parrents knowing and act as normal as possible when they around, and the few times i've been forced outside I normally get through it fine-ish but by time it happens again I'm even more scared.
I'm finding it hard to think a lot of the time and just don't know what to do... The only person who I'd ever really want to talk to was him and he hates me...
My mom wants me to go to the shops tomorrow and I'm thinking about overdosing so I don't have do, although last time I tried nothing happened.
After writing all that I really doubt that's how I am really feeling, I'm scared of being wrong, I'm scared of being mentally healthly... I keep thinking maybe I'm just lazy and using this so I don't have to do anything, dunno if that's silly but I keep thinking that I'm fine and that it's all in my head, over-reacting, that the docters would just laugh at me. I seem to be mostly only sad when I think about him so maybe I just can't get over him I dunno...
Although I've always been ultra shy and disliking everyone so I really don't know...
Urgh, sorry if this is too long or the wrong place to post it.