ajaybali1
11-15-2010, 07:41 AM
I wonder if there's anyone who can prove me wrong, no one ever has an answer I can’t beat with my endless pessimism and doubt. I spend 5 days a week in a mental hospital with people with mental disorders (eating disorders and depression, I only have the latter). It seems that if I'm always being honest, it hurts everyone around me. The other patients hate me now, I've been here 5 months and they just leave me out of everything and ignore me, won’t answer when I try and talk to them, but who can blame them? It seems like to get out of this depression and fit in and make friends and be happy with that is just to lie constantly; Force feed yourself and others with ridiculous ideals and jump through hoops for everyone.
I like other people, I do, I care about them and I want to make them happy and show them that they aren’t broken like me. Everyone plays the social interaction game, and I’m not stupid I can play along too but I don't.
most people just have this facade on that things are good and they all like each other, like they live in some ideal world, but they don’t see that they aren’t any different from Ants or Dogs, this social interaction scheme, there isn't love or hate or any emotion really, those aren’t any different to hunger or pain or any other animal reflex, they are just instincts you see -
You eat and sleep and avoid injury, because of evolution, if you do simple things and make yourself physically strong, you stand a better chance at finding a mate (True of every animal). Feelings like pain and hunger are inherited from our ancestors because they guided us to do the right thing, embedded in the mind of every mammal. this Is a scientific fact, and it fits exactly with evolution, that’s how animals work and no one can deny that. (If you don’t follow this paragraph I mean to say in these respects Humans are identical to other animals and anyone of a scientific mind I hope to know as fact)
And here comes the link to the main point-
Some people such as myself believe there is no distinction between Human and Animal. None what-so-ever. and my basis is this- Like dogs, we learnt a social way of living, and those who did not keep up were left out of the benefits of society and died out. ( without other people they cant compete against organised numbers). Humans have evolved a social way of interacting that is spectacularly evolved, so that humans are required not only to consider the physical aspect of attractiveness, which causes basic feelings like hunger and pain to be absolutely necessary; BUT WHICH ALSO NECESSITATES feelings, of EXACTLY the same nature, but of their SOCIAL standing, which in Humans is CLEARLY of equal of even perhaps greater importance in their ability to find a mate.
Hunger is to needing food, and pain is to experiencing an injury as
Such things you would consider emotions are to regulating the complex web that is your SOCIAL wellbeing, which is just as important as your physical in term of finding a mate (which I must stress is the underlying goal in life and all organisms, and the Sole cause for evolution, the simple necessity to continue as a species, or cease to exist).
I hope that last part fits and explains how motions and basic instincts are the same. Now that you think about it aren’t they the same? Do you not feel them the same way? Can you not see they are no more complex than what a dog or an ant feels? they only have the social skills necessary for survival. ALL ANIMALS DO. Why are we different? We are animals. We’re just a bit more complicated (not even that much). Why are we entitled to a soul or emotion when you wouldn’t say the same of Bees or a Rat?
Our feelings and how we interact are the same as dancing bees or birdsongs, they just got more intricate. Everything’s just a facade we need to put up to function as a society. It's you don’t fit in, it why people don’t seem to care that your struggling so much. If you want to oversimplify it a bit, it’s basically the case that people need to Cover up and hide all the negative parts of themselves, and invent and emphasise positive points to make them more attractive.
I like Altruistic people, people who care so much about other people, that it makes no sense, and I try to do it to, for other people, and don’t expect anything back. It's basically a mental illness in itself, it DOESNT FIT with this big scheme of things, and people just take advantage, and I DONT BLAME THEM because they are programmed to.
So I look around at the world and I don’t see people anymore, they don’t have souls and they aren’t real they are just animals, living by the rules they have to, because they need to. Threes no magic, and there’s no place for people like me. I feel these emotions, but I see them for what they are, and I see other people for what they are too, and it makes me so upset and frustrated because I can never bring myself to pretend anymore, I just don’t fit in this world, and I'm too scared and weak to just go. I have no issue with suicide I don’t care that people will b hurt anymore, because I know that I CANT FEEL REGRET IF I DIE. I know It wont matter, nothing will, nothing can, and what I did to kill myself, didn’t matter anymore.
and You know what, if that doesn’t matter, if the grief I cause doesn’t matter, because I cant feel anymore, because my world ended, because my existence ended, ALL of it gone... Then how does any of my life EVER MATTER? No matter how great or bad it is, I will never care or know when I'm gone. And you know what? Life is simply there, some of it is, and some of it isn’t, its dead. And all by chance. Unthinking and for no purpose than to sustain itself. No reason. No why. Just it is, completely neutral, and POINTLESS.
Vie come to realise, to be the least upset, is to simply be an unthinking drone of an animal, and I don’t mean be just numb and heartless, I mean simply to go along with all the ups and downs and "love" and "sadness" and "hate" and just live your life, thinking its all so magic, or just thinking this is how things are, I'll just make the best of it because that's what we are all designed for, or that’s all you need or can ask for. If your just some kid struggling with shit and trying to grow up, like everyone else does then maybe its something along those lines your looking for, because that idea is fine, if you can believe it, and If you can you best try or else you'll be miserable your whole life and realise, "oh fuck I’m 50 and I haven’t lived yet".
I don’t know about you guys and girls, but I just cant leave this Li(f)e, I cant pretend, BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW WHY. ALWAYS.
WHY go to school?
WHY should I get a job?
WHY should I eat my vegetables?
WHY should I shower?
WHY should ANYTHING?
I hate doing things for no reason, I'd hate to be a mindless robot just doing and never questioning why. WHY should I pretend and play along? So I can find a mate? WHY? So I can pass on my genes? WHY? Uhhhhh because that’s the way it is? NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, I WONT HAVE IT, IT MAKES NO SENSE, AND THERE IS NO REASON, NO POINT, NO EXPLANATION. ITS JUST THERE.
Does this make sense to anyone else, if it doesn’t-
a) I either haven’t explained it fully enough/ you don’t understand what I said
b) It doesn’t make sense because you understand what I said, but the ideas are just nonsense.
c)You haven’t the mental capacity to understand what the fuck I'm on about. Not that you’re stupid, you just think in a different way.
I miss the blissful ignorance, I can remember it. I remember how it felt. It kinda feels a bit like summer, and nostalgia, just that general feeling, like your still a kid in a way. Now I feel cold, like I’m not a person anymore, yeah I’m just so depressed now. The reasons I find consistently worth doing something for, the only whys- either I did it because I thought it would be funny, or I was just curious. It's just weird.
Sometimes I can just go with whatever the hell I’m doing, and not think about my feelings, but 9 times out of 10, I think, WHY am I sad? WHY am I not sad anymore? Just- What am I feeling, and WHY? And it's turned me into an unfeeling uncaring freak, like a robot. Everything makes sense and there’s always an explanation for EVERYTHING, I, OR ANYONE DOES, and it all fits perfectly with what I think is true.
I don’t know why I'm telling you all this, I guess it doesn’t matter anyway. I've never been abused or anything like that, just bullied alot for being different, but hey like I say thats what people have to do. If this was so sad you all just killed yourselves, I don’t know if I'd even mind. Sometimes I think your all just animals, and sometimes I care about people so much, when they share the stupid, impractical, impossible, naive childish ideas as I had hoped were true, which would make this world a nice place. But people grow out of that, they grow out of thinking that way, realise it can never work that way, and I have too. But I still miss it, and if I could find just one person who felt the same then maybe I could live in a naive fairytale, like the dreams and daydreams I'd much rather live in, then maybe I could feel okay with that, and the only WHY could be because it made us both happy. But it's so ridiculously tiny a chance, and even if it all perfectly fell into place that way, I'd probably find some way to fuck it up because it's a perfect idea, and people just aren’t perfect. Just animals.
I dont want you try help me anymore I just want to know someone else can understand what I mean or tell me why Im wrong.
__________________
When the day comes along..
I can feed it, Make it go away..
Feed it, Make it go away..
and it is all the same..
I am seeing, everything again..
Seeing, everything again..
My own stupid fantasy..
I can drink it, and wash it all away..
Drink it, Wash it all away..
and I don't need to breathe..
Cause I am tasting, everything again..
I like other people, I do, I care about them and I want to make them happy and show them that they aren’t broken like me. Everyone plays the social interaction game, and I’m not stupid I can play along too but I don't.
most people just have this facade on that things are good and they all like each other, like they live in some ideal world, but they don’t see that they aren’t any different from Ants or Dogs, this social interaction scheme, there isn't love or hate or any emotion really, those aren’t any different to hunger or pain or any other animal reflex, they are just instincts you see -
You eat and sleep and avoid injury, because of evolution, if you do simple things and make yourself physically strong, you stand a better chance at finding a mate (True of every animal). Feelings like pain and hunger are inherited from our ancestors because they guided us to do the right thing, embedded in the mind of every mammal. this Is a scientific fact, and it fits exactly with evolution, that’s how animals work and no one can deny that. (If you don’t follow this paragraph I mean to say in these respects Humans are identical to other animals and anyone of a scientific mind I hope to know as fact)
And here comes the link to the main point-
Some people such as myself believe there is no distinction between Human and Animal. None what-so-ever. and my basis is this- Like dogs, we learnt a social way of living, and those who did not keep up were left out of the benefits of society and died out. ( without other people they cant compete against organised numbers). Humans have evolved a social way of interacting that is spectacularly evolved, so that humans are required not only to consider the physical aspect of attractiveness, which causes basic feelings like hunger and pain to be absolutely necessary; BUT WHICH ALSO NECESSITATES feelings, of EXACTLY the same nature, but of their SOCIAL standing, which in Humans is CLEARLY of equal of even perhaps greater importance in their ability to find a mate.
Hunger is to needing food, and pain is to experiencing an injury as
Such things you would consider emotions are to regulating the complex web that is your SOCIAL wellbeing, which is just as important as your physical in term of finding a mate (which I must stress is the underlying goal in life and all organisms, and the Sole cause for evolution, the simple necessity to continue as a species, or cease to exist).
I hope that last part fits and explains how motions and basic instincts are the same. Now that you think about it aren’t they the same? Do you not feel them the same way? Can you not see they are no more complex than what a dog or an ant feels? they only have the social skills necessary for survival. ALL ANIMALS DO. Why are we different? We are animals. We’re just a bit more complicated (not even that much). Why are we entitled to a soul or emotion when you wouldn’t say the same of Bees or a Rat?
Our feelings and how we interact are the same as dancing bees or birdsongs, they just got more intricate. Everything’s just a facade we need to put up to function as a society. It's you don’t fit in, it why people don’t seem to care that your struggling so much. If you want to oversimplify it a bit, it’s basically the case that people need to Cover up and hide all the negative parts of themselves, and invent and emphasise positive points to make them more attractive.
I like Altruistic people, people who care so much about other people, that it makes no sense, and I try to do it to, for other people, and don’t expect anything back. It's basically a mental illness in itself, it DOESNT FIT with this big scheme of things, and people just take advantage, and I DONT BLAME THEM because they are programmed to.
So I look around at the world and I don’t see people anymore, they don’t have souls and they aren’t real they are just animals, living by the rules they have to, because they need to. Threes no magic, and there’s no place for people like me. I feel these emotions, but I see them for what they are, and I see other people for what they are too, and it makes me so upset and frustrated because I can never bring myself to pretend anymore, I just don’t fit in this world, and I'm too scared and weak to just go. I have no issue with suicide I don’t care that people will b hurt anymore, because I know that I CANT FEEL REGRET IF I DIE. I know It wont matter, nothing will, nothing can, and what I did to kill myself, didn’t matter anymore.
and You know what, if that doesn’t matter, if the grief I cause doesn’t matter, because I cant feel anymore, because my world ended, because my existence ended, ALL of it gone... Then how does any of my life EVER MATTER? No matter how great or bad it is, I will never care or know when I'm gone. And you know what? Life is simply there, some of it is, and some of it isn’t, its dead. And all by chance. Unthinking and for no purpose than to sustain itself. No reason. No why. Just it is, completely neutral, and POINTLESS.
Vie come to realise, to be the least upset, is to simply be an unthinking drone of an animal, and I don’t mean be just numb and heartless, I mean simply to go along with all the ups and downs and "love" and "sadness" and "hate" and just live your life, thinking its all so magic, or just thinking this is how things are, I'll just make the best of it because that's what we are all designed for, or that’s all you need or can ask for. If your just some kid struggling with shit and trying to grow up, like everyone else does then maybe its something along those lines your looking for, because that idea is fine, if you can believe it, and If you can you best try or else you'll be miserable your whole life and realise, "oh fuck I’m 50 and I haven’t lived yet".
I don’t know about you guys and girls, but I just cant leave this Li(f)e, I cant pretend, BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW WHY. ALWAYS.
WHY go to school?
WHY should I get a job?
WHY should I eat my vegetables?
WHY should I shower?
WHY should ANYTHING?
I hate doing things for no reason, I'd hate to be a mindless robot just doing and never questioning why. WHY should I pretend and play along? So I can find a mate? WHY? So I can pass on my genes? WHY? Uhhhhh because that’s the way it is? NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, I WONT HAVE IT, IT MAKES NO SENSE, AND THERE IS NO REASON, NO POINT, NO EXPLANATION. ITS JUST THERE.
Does this make sense to anyone else, if it doesn’t-
a) I either haven’t explained it fully enough/ you don’t understand what I said
b) It doesn’t make sense because you understand what I said, but the ideas are just nonsense.
c)You haven’t the mental capacity to understand what the fuck I'm on about. Not that you’re stupid, you just think in a different way.
I miss the blissful ignorance, I can remember it. I remember how it felt. It kinda feels a bit like summer, and nostalgia, just that general feeling, like your still a kid in a way. Now I feel cold, like I’m not a person anymore, yeah I’m just so depressed now. The reasons I find consistently worth doing something for, the only whys- either I did it because I thought it would be funny, or I was just curious. It's just weird.
Sometimes I can just go with whatever the hell I’m doing, and not think about my feelings, but 9 times out of 10, I think, WHY am I sad? WHY am I not sad anymore? Just- What am I feeling, and WHY? And it's turned me into an unfeeling uncaring freak, like a robot. Everything makes sense and there’s always an explanation for EVERYTHING, I, OR ANYONE DOES, and it all fits perfectly with what I think is true.
I don’t know why I'm telling you all this, I guess it doesn’t matter anyway. I've never been abused or anything like that, just bullied alot for being different, but hey like I say thats what people have to do. If this was so sad you all just killed yourselves, I don’t know if I'd even mind. Sometimes I think your all just animals, and sometimes I care about people so much, when they share the stupid, impractical, impossible, naive childish ideas as I had hoped were true, which would make this world a nice place. But people grow out of that, they grow out of thinking that way, realise it can never work that way, and I have too. But I still miss it, and if I could find just one person who felt the same then maybe I could live in a naive fairytale, like the dreams and daydreams I'd much rather live in, then maybe I could feel okay with that, and the only WHY could be because it made us both happy. But it's so ridiculously tiny a chance, and even if it all perfectly fell into place that way, I'd probably find some way to fuck it up because it's a perfect idea, and people just aren’t perfect. Just animals.
I dont want you try help me anymore I just want to know someone else can understand what I mean or tell me why Im wrong.
__________________
When the day comes along..
I can feed it, Make it go away..
Feed it, Make it go away..
and it is all the same..
I am seeing, everything again..
Seeing, everything again..
My own stupid fantasy..
I can drink it, and wash it all away..
Drink it, Wash it all away..
and I don't need to breathe..
Cause I am tasting, everything again..