Freesolo
05-30-2009, 07:57 PM
dont know where to start, feel like i have to vent and have someone understand how i feel. I just got home from a bbq at one of my freinds houses and my paranoia got completley out of hand, i arrived with a friend and felt ok had a few drinks and felt ok but self concious as always i constantly feel im being talked about and ridiculed over my apperance, personality things i say etc. i mean someone could pay me a complemment and i would secretly look at them in the corner of my eye after they said it to see if they are laughing because i think there taking the piss out of me.
I started the day ok chatting and not feeling to bad but there was alot of people at the bbq and i gradually became more and more withdrawn and quiet untill the point of not saying a word and feeling like i was being watched and not wanted there and when i went to the bathroom i was being talked about badly.
i eventually left without saying goodbye to anyone, wouldn't want anyone looking at me or making me the centre of attention another pet hate. made a fake phone call and walked home about 1 mile, i was basically in tear's half the way home angy as hell not at my friends but at myself, i just so sick of these feelings, i used to fit in with anyone but i feel so different to everyone now. i have a long history of drug abuse and basically snorted stupid amounts of cocaine every single weekend without fail for around 5years, i dont take it so much now because it makes me really paranoid,but will ocasionally in the right situation.
im so sick of this, i know alot of my feelings are because of low self esteem and im not even sure that what im going through is paranoia, i mean paranoid people dont know there paranoid right?
I started the day ok chatting and not feeling to bad but there was alot of people at the bbq and i gradually became more and more withdrawn and quiet untill the point of not saying a word and feeling like i was being watched and not wanted there and when i went to the bathroom i was being talked about badly.
i eventually left without saying goodbye to anyone, wouldn't want anyone looking at me or making me the centre of attention another pet hate. made a fake phone call and walked home about 1 mile, i was basically in tear's half the way home angy as hell not at my friends but at myself, i just so sick of these feelings, i used to fit in with anyone but i feel so different to everyone now. i have a long history of drug abuse and basically snorted stupid amounts of cocaine every single weekend without fail for around 5years, i dont take it so much now because it makes me really paranoid,but will ocasionally in the right situation.
im so sick of this, i know alot of my feelings are because of low self esteem and im not even sure that what im going through is paranoia, i mean paranoid people dont know there paranoid right?