What should I do?

[kerrylee211]

Good morning,

This is my first time on here. I need help. Something is wrong inside of me on so many levels it's hard to explain. Around 12 or 13 I was a cutter who often dreamed of different ways to make it end. A friend found out, told the school guidence counselor, who contacted my mom, who put me in an uncomfortable red leather chair in an office with this creepy old man staring at me, speaking in a monotone voice asking me what's troubling me. Great help that was. I ended up getting diagnosed with depression (big shocker) and put on Welbutrin. I stopped taking meds about a year later becuase we could not afford them. My sister is Bi Polar and therefore apparantly needed her meds more then me. I'm now 21 and about to start college in the fall. But back to my issues...

My family and I have noticed over the last 2 years, my personality has changed dramatically. I snap at everyone, I say things that I know are mean. And while I'm saying them, I know I'm crossing the line but at the same time I'm so mad that I don't care. I get in these crying fits where one little thing will set me off and the next thing I know I'm crying for 2 hrs about anything and everything. I get so frustrated and mad at stupid things that I want to break things and break people. I get so mad that I cant do anything but curl up on the floor and cry. My boss can correct me one something but the way he says it makes me doubt myself and that starts the ball where I think about my life and how screwed up everything it, and how I wish it would all go away.

My bi polar sister also has spina-bifida and just had her 6th surgery in Dec and then moved in with my eldest sister and I in March. With everything going on with her situation, and my entire immediate family all battling weight problems and addiction, I feel like I don't want to put any more of my problems onto them then they alreayd have to deal with. Sometimes I feel like checking myself into a facility to just be able to focus whole heartedly on getting my stuff together and getting better, but I can't afford to not work and put that much more pressure onto my family. Also with school coming up I don;t want them to think I was trying to get out of going, because I want to go. I want to make my life better. I just feel helpless right now.

I find myself starting to fantisize about death again. About just getting it over with. Why not? There;s gotta be something better out there. When I'm really upset and crying, sometimes I will get a sharp piece of plastic and just make some scratches on myself. Just something to take the other pain away. I can't do that anymore because I live in Florida now and it's too hot to wear long sleeves. I just don't know how else to make the pain go away. I try to do productive things like music and drawing but it just makes my art dark and I get sad and throw it away. I need help. I don't know if I need meds or just therapy or what, but I need help. I don't know what all is going on inside my head. I'd like to think that I wouldn't actually go thru with it. Because I dream of having kids one day and changing the lives of people, but then I look around at the world and realize that I will most likely end up like my mother, alone, bitter, working my ass off til i finally die because normal people can't afford to reitre. I dont want that for myself. I know what people say, then just change it, don't be like that, but I don't know any difference, Hell the only reason I learned how to shave was because I

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