Suicidal ideations

[IgorSaysWelp]

I was recently sent to an inpatient psychiatric unit following a mental health evaluation. I was planning to blow my head off with a gun with a note saying, "Stick a fork in me, I'm done!".

I'm out, I'm on medications, but now I'm on the hard part: putting forth the effort of making a life for myself that I feel is worth living.

I'm doing schema therapy while I wait for my counseling sessions to actually get past the whole assessment stage and I can actually try working on things. If the mental health professional here is familiar with the whole Lifetraps approach, I have the Defectiveness, Social Exclusion, and Failure as my core lifetraps.

I'm working through the assignments, shedding a few tears remembering things I'd rather not think of again, but I feel like all I'm getting is insight into my problem; knowing that I hate myself is all well and good, but I want to not hate myself. I want to be able to socialize, to be able to leave my house.

Obviously studying why I feel lousy and a desire to get better isn't enough; I'm going to have to learn skills. For example, using facial expressions and voice tone when socializing, some personal hygiene stuff, basic things to get a sense of self-efficacy.

I hate myself so strongly that I want to crawl in a hole and die at times, like part of me is saying "you can never get better, why bother trying, you've tried before and you're only getting worse". Are there any mental techniques you can learn to overcome this while trying to get your life together? I know I didn't get like this in a week and it will take a lot of time, but any little bit helps.

Secondly, a lot of counselors I have been to don't seem to teach the skills I need to learn. I'm an adult now and it's my responsibility to learn these things but I'm all alone and I am not going to be able to solve problems with the mind that harbors them.

[admin]

First of all, you have to be proud of yourself because you have tried hard and have been engaging with the therapy and the treatment plan which includes the medications you are on and the schema therapy.

I believe you suffer from depression and people with depressive episodes may have negative thoughts about themselves, their environment and their future and it is what we called negative cognitive triad.

It would be useful to work together with your psychiatrist or therapist to look into your negative thinking patterns and to come up with more positive or alternative thinking. Some psychiatrists or therapists give home work for their patients to record their negative thoughts and encourage them to come up with more positive alternative thoughts. I believe if you exercise this kind of home work with your doctor or therapist, it would be helpful for you because you would become more prepared mentally and you would be able to cope better with things.