Ancora Imparo
07-14-2009, 06:29 PM
Hi. I am an Adult Survivor of Child Abuse, non-sexual, mostly emotional, but included severe physical beatings and witholding of food, things along those lines. I don't want to sound like I am minimizing it, I have 16 years of therapy under my belt, a highly-functional dysfunctional. I'm 46, married for 20 years, no kids. I have cut all ties to my family long ago, my abusive father no longer alive, I was feeling grounded and thought I was free of it all.
I have been having communication issues with people lately. For the past 3 years, my life has been sheer chaos and I have little control over any of it.
I lost both my Father in Law (2006) and my Mother In Law (April 16, 2009). My Mother in Law moved in with us in 2007 and our lives haven't been the same. Mind you, I have no regrets being the caregiver for her, I had a wonderful, respectful, loving relationship with both of them. I feel lost, don't know where to start. I am in the process of trying to find purpose in my life again, and I think I am in some sort of grief thing. I don't know, I have never felt like this before.
I am reclusive, becoming more anti-social every day, people simply get on my nerves. I am a logical person, I don't treat anyone like they are "below" me, but I am less tolerant of bad behaviour in others, and I don't want to be the "Behaviour Police". I don't like people around me who use racial slurs or hateful, bigoted statements.
If I ask them to not do that around me, they want to argue and banter about it. I am an honest, open person. I care about humankind as a whole, to me there is but ONE race. I have felt enough hatred to last a thousand lifetimes. Society seems to be selfish anymore.
They try to twist my head like I don't know who I am? I'm not that damaged. Then something happens to me, I kill everything in my mind that would make me even think about associating with the person. I avoid their calls. I feel they are disrespectful to me in my own home and when I try to discuss it rationally. To me their excuses are lame, sound like deflection from the issue, they say that because we are friends it shouldn't matter. I feel that people could care less about what I think and that I should simply "get over it" , forgive and forget.
Yes, that would be so easy, except for the fact that..
I have forgiven and they do it again. I am sick of the repetition. I feel that you can't forgive someone who isn't sorry. They say they forget that it irks me, but I feel that is a cop out and they have selective memories. I get very angry at times and have to leave the room. Then I cry and I am sick of feeling invisible. In the past 4 days I am above my limit.
There are only 4 choices when in conflict:
Fight, Flight, Submit or Avoidance. Avoidance is getting too comfortable for me. I am sick of the arguments and the banter. I feel I am alone and will never truly be happy or even enjoy anything anymore. I feel like I was not supposed to be here, I am part of nothing but myself, I feel no sense of community, of belonging to any family or group. I am disconnected and don't know how to re-connect with society.
While I am far from suicidal, I don't fear death and sometimes pray that I will be taken soon. I haven't had much joy in my life, plenty of trauma and drama, a few bright moments, but the sadness has been a constant. Merely existing is not quality of life to me, how do I make it better? What am I missing here? I don't want to feel that sadness was all my life is ever going to be.
Thanks for your time.
I have been having communication issues with people lately. For the past 3 years, my life has been sheer chaos and I have little control over any of it.
I lost both my Father in Law (2006) and my Mother In Law (April 16, 2009). My Mother in Law moved in with us in 2007 and our lives haven't been the same. Mind you, I have no regrets being the caregiver for her, I had a wonderful, respectful, loving relationship with both of them. I feel lost, don't know where to start. I am in the process of trying to find purpose in my life again, and I think I am in some sort of grief thing. I don't know, I have never felt like this before.
I am reclusive, becoming more anti-social every day, people simply get on my nerves. I am a logical person, I don't treat anyone like they are "below" me, but I am less tolerant of bad behaviour in others, and I don't want to be the "Behaviour Police". I don't like people around me who use racial slurs or hateful, bigoted statements.
If I ask them to not do that around me, they want to argue and banter about it. I am an honest, open person. I care about humankind as a whole, to me there is but ONE race. I have felt enough hatred to last a thousand lifetimes. Society seems to be selfish anymore.
They try to twist my head like I don't know who I am? I'm not that damaged. Then something happens to me, I kill everything in my mind that would make me even think about associating with the person. I avoid their calls. I feel they are disrespectful to me in my own home and when I try to discuss it rationally. To me their excuses are lame, sound like deflection from the issue, they say that because we are friends it shouldn't matter. I feel that people could care less about what I think and that I should simply "get over it" , forgive and forget.
Yes, that would be so easy, except for the fact that..
I have forgiven and they do it again. I am sick of the repetition. I feel that you can't forgive someone who isn't sorry. They say they forget that it irks me, but I feel that is a cop out and they have selective memories. I get very angry at times and have to leave the room. Then I cry and I am sick of feeling invisible. In the past 4 days I am above my limit.
There are only 4 choices when in conflict:
Fight, Flight, Submit or Avoidance. Avoidance is getting too comfortable for me. I am sick of the arguments and the banter. I feel I am alone and will never truly be happy or even enjoy anything anymore. I feel like I was not supposed to be here, I am part of nothing but myself, I feel no sense of community, of belonging to any family or group. I am disconnected and don't know how to re-connect with society.
While I am far from suicidal, I don't fear death and sometimes pray that I will be taken soon. I haven't had much joy in my life, plenty of trauma and drama, a few bright moments, but the sadness has been a constant. Merely existing is not quality of life to me, how do I make it better? What am I missing here? I don't want to feel that sadness was all my life is ever going to be.
Thanks for your time.