stayblunted
09-20-2009, 09:08 PM
I need help figuring out what to do with myself, I figured this would be the right place to post, if anyone could take the time to read all this, and offer suggestions, I'd apreciate it sooooo much. These were some thoughts I typed up to vent. I'm 16 years old and a junior in high school
There's so much I feel like I need to say, every day my pain builds more and more and I don't know why. I keep everything inside and I don't tell anybody how I feel. I used to. But something happened to me somewhere along the line that made me less open to people. I used to be very open people and I would talk about my problems to people that probably didn't have any interest in it whatsoever.
I feel like no body needs me in their lives. Like whenever I hang out with my 'friends' I always have to call them or text them first to see what's going on, they'll never call me and ask me to hang out. I don't know why but I've never really had a close group of friends that I could consider my best friends. I've been in and out of lots of groups of friends, but I felt like in each group, everybody was closer with each other than they were with me. That's kind of how I feel about everybody.
Like people don't mind having me in their lives, and they don't mind me being around, but they also don't care. Like if I couldn't hang out that night they wouldn't care because it doesn't matter to them either way. I guess I'm starting to feel more lonely because of this.
I feel like I'm slowing withdrawing into myself and into my thoughts. Every moment my thoughts are racing, I can't even pay attention to what's going on around me half of the time because I'm always so preoccupied with my thoughts. I over analyze everything which is kind of saying the same thing I guess, but I'll over analyze a situation and then try to fix it by doing something else which usually just makes me look even more dumb in the end.
I never used to be, but again, somewhere along the line, I became extremely insecure. When I'm with people, I can't even get involved in conversation or have a good time because I'm constantly worrying about how I'll appear to other people. I noticed that it is true that people only make fun of other people because they're insecure and it makes them feel better about themselves.
I've never really been good at anything I do, except thinking. Thinking is the one thing I'm great at. I have the most amazing thoughts and ideas, but at the same time, thinking causes 99% percent of my problems. If I didn't think so much I wouldn't be so insecure and I'd be able to go with the flow a lot more.
That's another thing I noticed, I can never just have a genuine, authentic, conversation, or experience with anyone. I always, at some point, if not the whole time, look at myself from everyone else's perspective and worry about how I'm being perceived by them. What really makes me mad is that I'm completely aware and conscious of all these things but I feel like there's nothing I can do to put an end to it. Like I'm watching myself slowly go insane and I can't do a thing about it.
My parents. My mom is dying of cancer. I've never put it like that until now, I've been too afraid to confront it. But that is the fact, in the simplest form. It's horrible thinking that in a few years she probably won't be in my life. I try to stay positive even with this but when I'm around her it's nearly impossible to stay positive. Her negativity is so contagious and I can't stand it. She constantly makes fun of herself and claims that's how she copes, but it's really because she's addicted to unhappiness and doesn't know it.
I feel like I've never been close to my dad, I don't have much to say about him, because I don't really know him. My mom is extremely overprotective and strict and because of that I can't have an open relationship with my parents, I have to lie about damn near everything to them. I think that maybe the reason I used to be so open with everyone else was because I was so unopen with my parents, and that was my way of balancing it out and retaining my sanity. But ever since I stopped being open with people, I've been left with a storm of thoughts in my mind and nobody to tell them to. This is the first time I ever actually confronted all of my main concerns in my life.
I'm sorry for saying so much, and I don't even know why I'm posting this, I don't quite understand what it is I think i'll gain out of it, but any feedback or advice would be appreciated. Unique advice would be good too, I'm tired of hearing the same generic stuff.
There's so much I feel like I need to say, every day my pain builds more and more and I don't know why. I keep everything inside and I don't tell anybody how I feel. I used to. But something happened to me somewhere along the line that made me less open to people. I used to be very open people and I would talk about my problems to people that probably didn't have any interest in it whatsoever.
I feel like no body needs me in their lives. Like whenever I hang out with my 'friends' I always have to call them or text them first to see what's going on, they'll never call me and ask me to hang out. I don't know why but I've never really had a close group of friends that I could consider my best friends. I've been in and out of lots of groups of friends, but I felt like in each group, everybody was closer with each other than they were with me. That's kind of how I feel about everybody.
Like people don't mind having me in their lives, and they don't mind me being around, but they also don't care. Like if I couldn't hang out that night they wouldn't care because it doesn't matter to them either way. I guess I'm starting to feel more lonely because of this.
I feel like I'm slowing withdrawing into myself and into my thoughts. Every moment my thoughts are racing, I can't even pay attention to what's going on around me half of the time because I'm always so preoccupied with my thoughts. I over analyze everything which is kind of saying the same thing I guess, but I'll over analyze a situation and then try to fix it by doing something else which usually just makes me look even more dumb in the end.
I never used to be, but again, somewhere along the line, I became extremely insecure. When I'm with people, I can't even get involved in conversation or have a good time because I'm constantly worrying about how I'll appear to other people. I noticed that it is true that people only make fun of other people because they're insecure and it makes them feel better about themselves.
I've never really been good at anything I do, except thinking. Thinking is the one thing I'm great at. I have the most amazing thoughts and ideas, but at the same time, thinking causes 99% percent of my problems. If I didn't think so much I wouldn't be so insecure and I'd be able to go with the flow a lot more.
That's another thing I noticed, I can never just have a genuine, authentic, conversation, or experience with anyone. I always, at some point, if not the whole time, look at myself from everyone else's perspective and worry about how I'm being perceived by them. What really makes me mad is that I'm completely aware and conscious of all these things but I feel like there's nothing I can do to put an end to it. Like I'm watching myself slowly go insane and I can't do a thing about it.
My parents. My mom is dying of cancer. I've never put it like that until now, I've been too afraid to confront it. But that is the fact, in the simplest form. It's horrible thinking that in a few years she probably won't be in my life. I try to stay positive even with this but when I'm around her it's nearly impossible to stay positive. Her negativity is so contagious and I can't stand it. She constantly makes fun of herself and claims that's how she copes, but it's really because she's addicted to unhappiness and doesn't know it.
I feel like I've never been close to my dad, I don't have much to say about him, because I don't really know him. My mom is extremely overprotective and strict and because of that I can't have an open relationship with my parents, I have to lie about damn near everything to them. I think that maybe the reason I used to be so open with everyone else was because I was so unopen with my parents, and that was my way of balancing it out and retaining my sanity. But ever since I stopped being open with people, I've been left with a storm of thoughts in my mind and nobody to tell them to. This is the first time I ever actually confronted all of my main concerns in my life.
I'm sorry for saying so much, and I don't even know why I'm posting this, I don't quite understand what it is I think i'll gain out of it, but any feedback or advice would be appreciated. Unique advice would be good too, I'm tired of hearing the same generic stuff.