feeling totally effed up.

[killswitchon]

Not really to aiming to talk about any certain thing but whatever comes out comes out. First off I am so frusterated with this "mental Illness" or whatever I have. It started out as clinical depression and somehow turned into a psychosis. I am not even sure if it is a pyschosis. I hate even thinking that I have it. Look. I was a normal guy with great friends and normal life going to highschool. Then around gr. 12 things really started to go down hill for me. I was smoking more pot and got kicked out of school. Then I started going to another alternative school. Moved out of my parents place. Got involved in some stronger drugs. cocaine. stupid fuckin decision. Then from there I just kept sinking farther and farther down straight into a depression which was partly caused by the cocaine, alcohol abuse, and straying from my stringent diet which I follow because of food allergies. Really tore myself apart for the few months that I did move out. Whatever. thats the past. Now here I am sitting here feeling so fuckin pathetic cuz i just turned 21 on the 4th of october, and I STILL am going through this. And it seems like when its getting better it only gets fuckin increasingly worse. It went from a major depression and transmogrified into a psychosis. And the worst part is I DONT EVEN KNOW if its a right diagnosis. I was recently hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and attempts at takin my life. I just tried again tonight. FUCK. I am so frusterated jesus christ almighty. I pray every night for healing and I am so fucking at wits end with this. At the hospital when I was there I saw a doctor that prescribed to me Olanzepine....I stopped taking the antidepressant I was taking cuz it just didnt seem to work for me. Now I dont know if I still am depressed and whatever the fuck else is going on or if this feeling truly is the first episode of a psychosis. Does anybody know what it feels like to feel like...like a total loss of connection with the outside world. It was so bad it got to the point where I just couldnt take it when I went to the hospital. Its like feeling lost inside your own head. Its like having a foggy glass in front of your eyes making everything seem like its going to fast to hold onto. Life started feeling like it was and still does feel like its going by too fast. FUCK. I am a goodlooking guy, with a super cool gf who I am not dating currently because I HAD the bright idea of going on a break because I wanted to get better. WHEN ALL I HAVE GOTTEN IS WORSE. WTF. I dont see life as fair. Because I dont even know what I have. The medication was working at the hospital about two weeks ago and now its not working. so wtf. Where does a guy who is 21 who has all these hopes and dreams and aspirations go to fuckin feel more connected and better and normal again. Cuz i can tell you I dont feel fuckin normal anymore. Somebody, anybody. just post something, anythign. I am so damn tired of this. especially when it feels like nobody understands. I just wish my friends and family could each take a turn being inside my head and being me for one day so they could know how fuckin bad this really is...Man, its supper time...great.

[outerhebridies]

Hey

I hope you're feeling a little lifted as here's your first reply (usually works for me).

I'm 40 - was "ill" @ 23, so all in all I consider you young, and I hope I can offer you some courage to stay on track. Its managing stuff - that's important.

My story is long and boring, but has a ending which is "happy". I've been medically ill 5 times in my life, in hospital etc etc. Currently married, house and job. In the eyes of normals - I'm normal.

I understand to a greater extent then most what it feels like to be "out of control" in your mind. Its very disturbing as somehow the "me" dissapears and we are in fact annihilated from life.

Expressing yourself now is very important. Writing down any ole crap for want of a better term.

The best advice you will ever get from anyone or anything in your life will be from yourself - when you start the cogs of your brain to actually live.

This means - feed your mind, with the richness of thought.

Even if it means it's only possible to do for a few mins a day. You will have started to build something - very very important for any "recovery".

Aside from that is the pills, docs and helplines. There are solutions out there, which you will find that will work for you.

I'm afraid there ain't a switch, as with all lifes problems. But have comfort in the thought, that what you're going thru is going to make you see things and feel things that although are extreme, will make you hold up a mirror to yourself and face truths in so many facets of life.

Its a journey, all I can say is inform yourself and equip yourself with knowledge. You will give yourself a better chance. It will get you through - and you will manage.

Other then that - pls accept a cyber hug from a stranger

keep trucking

[killswitchon]

hey thanks man for giving me a reply dude. Its just this struggle of finding a medication that brings my mind back to normal. and its just sooo frusterating when nobody can see the hurt or the damage or imbalance and be like "oh you are going through a rough thing man" but it doesnt happen cuz they cant see what is going on. And im not sure if u can relate with how I feel in terms of seeing what I want my life to be like but feeling helpless to reach into my brain and fix what is going on. For me I have been recently diagnosed as an early psychotic so its just new to me and I am not entirely sure if its the right diagnoses, but one of the symptoms is feeling disconnected and I damn well felt disconnected from reality and nobody understood when I described it as being like a physical pane of glass in front of my eyes and it was dirty and it was like it felt physically there. Visually things were and are still different and that dirtty pane of glass was blocking all the good feelings from coming. Every situation just molded into the next with everything feeling the "same". I am on Olanzepine right now and I just feel like I see how my life will be after I beat this and its exciting but also annoying cuz things arent better and it just takes so long bro.

[outerhebridies]

hey

I guess, I'll skip asking how u are, as I can take a guess.

Getting people who have never experienced "issues" to understand and empathise is pretty difficult. Most advice from "normals" goes long these lines:

"snap out of it" or "think positive"

That's if they can be bothered to hear you out.

You know and I know, that we live in an uber fast world. I guess it's what Douglas Coupland is writing about - your generation mainly "Generation A". It's meant to be a kinda sequel to generation x. Us lot.

It sucks when things don't change fast enough, it's not like taking recreational drugs kinda thang. Its very, very different. At 21 what the world is now in 2009, is a few layers heavier then what it was like for me @21.

Expecting things to have a quicker effect, is part of the problem - as this "cause" has an "effect". So, the bad news is - its a pretty long road ahead, and your headlamps need charging, tyre needs fixing and someone threw away the map. Your map.

Good news. Before you bang your head on the PC is that, you will learn stuff so important about yourself that I can only say - that its a life lived - on the edge, but a life lived.

Try and stay clear from hospital if you can - it can crumble a man
Use the net - don't expect the right answers all the time
Offload however, whenever - By writing or better still get a good shrink ($$$$ -pah)
Take time out - sunsets or yoga or whatever

Please READ and INFORM yourself about your diaognoses - you will need to think about it carefully.

Don't forget every god damn human being on this earth wants to be happy. In my 40 years, I've yet to meet one.

take care

[killswitchon]

thanks man for the advice. its usually good to hear some. I'm still feeling somewhat hopeful about my situation. I find i put a lot of pressure on myself to get better. its true this experience has taught me quite a bit in terms of my breaking point, and how far I can be pushed. It has showed me that I do have a lot of mental strength, and that I can handle a lot of hurt.

I am at the point right now though where I am at a crossroads again, where I have a couple choices to make. In that I have tried this medication for about a week today. K so heres the deal. When I was in the hospital they put me on Olanzepine. Its an anti psychotic. I was on it for about a week in the hospital, and it was the quick release version. Now when I left for some stupid reason unbeknownst to me the psych there prescribed the same meds but different pill. This one was a tablet. I found as soon as I was beginning to take it my spirits went down and I wasnt getting the same positive effects that I was getting in the hospital. So i went through about a week of that whole ordeal of taking that medication then I finally got the meds switched back to the same quick release tablet that I was taking in the hospital. Now I have been taking this quick release tablet for about a week now, and I am at the point where I have seen some minute positive changes. My racing thoughts have slowed down and I have noticed that change ever since the hospital but my feeling of disconnection from reality has still been present and that is and will be my only priority because I feel like I can't partake in activities and work until that issue is solved. So today is wednesday and tomorrow thursday I go see my psychiatrist that I have been seeing for about a year now outside of the hospital. The thing is, is that I will have to fill him in on the whole situation and this whole shenanigans i just explained here. Now, what I am not sure of is whether to continue with this said medication longer and wait it out to see if it will fix my problem, or whether to try another medication. Now what I just found out as well is that this medication is effected by smoking cigarettes and that the studies have shown that its potency is diminished when smoking. Which i currently do. So I am also trying to quit that, and wondering whether to continue with this medication smoke-free or try another medication. That is what I am not sure about. At this point I have tried almost everything except quit smoking but its so hard cuz right now it is my only way to release stress and kill time. Because here I am 21 and wasting time at my parents house because I don't feel I can work like this and engage in all the things that make me happy while I am like this. I have been recently taking this wholle situation much more seriously ever since my visit to the hospital. another thing I am not totally sure about is the diagnoses as psychotic because the doctor at the hospital came in and spoke to me for 5 minutes and came out with a diagnoses especially because I explained this feeling of disconnection to so many other people and other people didnt seem to have a clue. So my confidence in the diagnoses is lacking. So do I have psychosis? I dont know so how does a doctor who has spoken to me know exactly. The only symptoms that could match up with it are as follows: racing thoughts, and a feeling of disconnection and reality racing by me at a faster speed. So that is another reason why I do not know whether to continue with this medication and continue with another. I know when I speak to my psych tomorrow I am going to get him to refer me to the psychosis office within the Mental Health Institute. I am just at the point where I do not really know what to do. But I have a hunch that quitting smoking will help me in all respects and sticking with this same medication will help me in the long run. So I think that is my decision for now. Any feedback would be helpful.

[outerhebridies]

sorry for not getting back

just reading post now

[outerhebridies]

killswitch - before I forget

would you join this forum?

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/

its a UK one

I tend to be on there most of time

there's a lot of good advice there from lots of people

also

still reading your post...

[outerhebridies]

I hate psych docs sometimes

wish they would really listen..

anyhow

you've researched your meds - good

giving up smoking cos of medication efficacy:- heard about it, but I don't give a shit. I love my fags. Bad advice there from an addict. I'll get there one day.

if you get time, do watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/user/bipolarorwakingup

its a but out there - but throws up some interesting questions.

hope to hear from you on the other forum...

I'll try and remember to come back here...

keep trucking

[killswitchon]

whats your username on the other forum?

[outerhebridies]

dreambuggie

[Ecoleman24]

Sorry to hear you feel so helpless. I know that feeling alone is enough to drive anyone up the wall. not to mention all of the other things you are experiencing at the moment.

I wanted to comment on two things:

First - If you wanted to get back into the working world try searching for a small Part time job that gives you about 15 hours or so a week. This way you can try out sticking to a schedule and working with people. In addition, if you work for a small business and things don't work out you are less likely to walk away with a bad reference or get "black balled" in your area.

Second - I am a big advocate of any smoker quitting but you seem so overwhelmed right now I don't know if adding withdrawal symptoms to your current list of aliments is a good idea. You could always try cutting back and then when life has calmed down more go for the out and out quit.

Hope this helps some.

[dick123]

Hello
I’m all for living an organic lifestyle. There’s simply no reason not to. But I draw the line at smearing birthing excrement on my face.

Gross, I know, but Hollywood is telling me that the new fountain of youth comes from the very beginning of youth itself. So alert the media: the new craze for the beauty-obsessed is placenta facials.

Just to make sure we’re all clear, placenta is a temporary organ joining the mother and fetus. It transfers oxygen and nutrients from the mother to the fetus, and permits the release of carbon dioxide and waste products from the fetus. But don’t worry, the facial itself is “ordinary-smelling.” Phew, because I smelling like afterbirth and fetal waste is the real problem here.

Although it may be vile, placenta is rich in proteins and zinc, so it can’t be discredited just because it came out of someone’s birth canal. And it’s not like weirder things haven’t happened.

I blame Victoria Beckham. She told the world she was rubbing bird poop on her face and the next thing you know people are scraping fresh droppings off their windshields and saving it for a nighttime facial treatment. I believe this was at the same time people were using bull’s semen as a leave-in conditioner. That just leaves me wondering how said semen was protracted. All kinds of nasty.

[dick white]

Hello
The video below has been sort of burning up the Internet over the last 48 hours or so. I've seen it posted EVERYWHERE and it's been forwarded to me a number of times. However, I've been hesitant to post it, even though it is kinda-sorta funny, mainly because there's something about it that disturbs me, an unsettling feeling stemming from knowing that someone videotaped their kid in this state and decided to post it on the Internet. I mean, I understand maybe making a video and showing it to Grandma and Uncle Pete at the the next Sunday dinner so that they can get a big round of laughs over it, but there's just something about sticking it on You tube that disturbs me, and honestly, it takes a lot to do that. Maybe I'm alone in this, but I feel it's crossing some sort of line. Or maybe, for once, I'm being old-fashioned and am just not "getting it."

[Aya]

You should really read my post on how the nervous system could have something to do with any personality dyfunctions. It's not necessarily psychosis, or anything psychological for that matter. I understand where you are coming from completely. I have a hard time connecting with the world around me. Everything feels like a total struggle all the time. And what's worse is that most of my problems are so internal and invisible that they are impossible to explain so that people understand me. I think prayer is the right approach to this particular problem. I am on an antidepressant, and it has helped relieve some of the anxieties I go through. I found that getting socially involved, like volunteering for instance, helps make you feel more organized and accepted. I know these phenomenal problems are frustrating as hell. You look around, and see that everyone around you is functioning normally, and you wish so bad that you could experience, just for once, what it's like to have a mind that's not cramped with torment and confusion. I wish you the best of luck, and remember that you are not alone in this.

[smith007]

mainly because there's something about it that disturbs me, an unsettling feeling stemming from knowing that someone videotaped their kid in this state and decided to post it on the Internet. I mean, I understand maybe making a video and showing it to Grandma and Uncle Pete at the the next Sunday dinner so that they can get a big round of laughs over it, but there's just something about sticking it on You tube that disturbs me, and honestly