starseryn
10-20-2009, 09:34 AM
32, Female, originally from southern CA, lived in WA for the duration of my dating/marriage, now living and going to school in Modesto, CA. I have been in and out of counseling since the age of 15 for various reasons related to family issues and personal development.
Family Dynamics:
Youngest by 9+ years difference of a total of 5 children.
Alcoholic Father(no longer abusing), verbally abusive since childhood
Codependant Mother
Spoiled with affection and items when I was young but that stopped around the age of 13 when my family stopped doting on me and instead started verbal abuse and treatment that made me feel like a huge burden and I would retreat into my bedroom keeping it horendously dirty to keep them out.
Molested by brother - in - law from 14-16, family knows and it has been dealt with for some time
Recently divorced, separated from exhusband for over a year, divorce came through in August. Was in the relationship for 8 years, 4 of it married. Ended it because of lack of affection/attention/bond with husband who was more concerned with his video game addiction than looking towards any type of future career or family.
Currently in a new relationship as of a month an a half ago.
Mother and Sister diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease which from what I understand is a hereditary disease that effects the butterfly like gland in the chest area causing mood issues
Sister recently attempted suicide and was diagnosed with Bipolar disease.
Issues I am experiencing:
As I've matured I've tried to self analyze issues I have had in the past or have experienced in order to better understand myself and hopefully stop any future problems.
The issue I am inquiring about today came up as part of the new relationship I am in. He lives a good hour and a half drive from where I do. I am in school and he works along with side work on the weekends, so time together is limited to perhaps every other weekend or one weekend a month. When I am with him, we have a wonderful time, he treats me really well and I am happy. This happiness and contentment carries over for at least 2-3 days after we get together. Although we keep contact via online methods and cell phones, as time passes until the next time we meet, I find myself not as happy and excited about the relationship, feeling needy of attention and affection that can't be given due to the distance. Almost a bratty reaction like Veruca Salt, I want it now esque.
After realizing that I didn't like how I felt and that logically I should remain happy to a degree and be reasonable about the limitations we have, I looked at other aspects of my life and realized I have similar reactions. I thrive on social occasions and outings but within less than 24 hours I feel restless to do something as if I have cabin fever and haven't gotten out in a while. I want to "celebrate" is the feeling, by eating out or hanging out with friends. They are also an hour away from where I live currently and I try to get the money to see them every other week or so as social events occur.
I'm the same way with positive experiences in my new career. I make beautiful designer cakes that have gotten me much praise and are starting to make me money. But even after I deliver them and they're adored, or after I get an A on an exam, the proud part of me melts away so fast and I feel like I'm not good enough at what I do, that I'm inexperienced and uneducated.
I guess to sum it up, I feel like I'm having a very hard time sustaining a sense of satisfaction with many aspects of my life. I don't know if there is a diagnosis for such a thing, but in my case it seems pretty extreme. My sister suggested I get tested for Bipolar since she was diagnosed and according to her sessions, has been living with it for years. She has always been very roller coaster moody but I'm more of an internalizer.
Family Dynamics:
Youngest by 9+ years difference of a total of 5 children.
Alcoholic Father(no longer abusing), verbally abusive since childhood
Codependant Mother
Spoiled with affection and items when I was young but that stopped around the age of 13 when my family stopped doting on me and instead started verbal abuse and treatment that made me feel like a huge burden and I would retreat into my bedroom keeping it horendously dirty to keep them out.
Molested by brother - in - law from 14-16, family knows and it has been dealt with for some time
Recently divorced, separated from exhusband for over a year, divorce came through in August. Was in the relationship for 8 years, 4 of it married. Ended it because of lack of affection/attention/bond with husband who was more concerned with his video game addiction than looking towards any type of future career or family.
Currently in a new relationship as of a month an a half ago.
Mother and Sister diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease which from what I understand is a hereditary disease that effects the butterfly like gland in the chest area causing mood issues
Sister recently attempted suicide and was diagnosed with Bipolar disease.
Issues I am experiencing:
As I've matured I've tried to self analyze issues I have had in the past or have experienced in order to better understand myself and hopefully stop any future problems.
The issue I am inquiring about today came up as part of the new relationship I am in. He lives a good hour and a half drive from where I do. I am in school and he works along with side work on the weekends, so time together is limited to perhaps every other weekend or one weekend a month. When I am with him, we have a wonderful time, he treats me really well and I am happy. This happiness and contentment carries over for at least 2-3 days after we get together. Although we keep contact via online methods and cell phones, as time passes until the next time we meet, I find myself not as happy and excited about the relationship, feeling needy of attention and affection that can't be given due to the distance. Almost a bratty reaction like Veruca Salt, I want it now esque.
After realizing that I didn't like how I felt and that logically I should remain happy to a degree and be reasonable about the limitations we have, I looked at other aspects of my life and realized I have similar reactions. I thrive on social occasions and outings but within less than 24 hours I feel restless to do something as if I have cabin fever and haven't gotten out in a while. I want to "celebrate" is the feeling, by eating out or hanging out with friends. They are also an hour away from where I live currently and I try to get the money to see them every other week or so as social events occur.
I'm the same way with positive experiences in my new career. I make beautiful designer cakes that have gotten me much praise and are starting to make me money. But even after I deliver them and they're adored, or after I get an A on an exam, the proud part of me melts away so fast and I feel like I'm not good enough at what I do, that I'm inexperienced and uneducated.
I guess to sum it up, I feel like I'm having a very hard time sustaining a sense of satisfaction with many aspects of my life. I don't know if there is a diagnosis for such a thing, but in my case it seems pretty extreme. My sister suggested I get tested for Bipolar since she was diagnosed and according to her sessions, has been living with it for years. She has always been very roller coaster moody but I'm more of an internalizer.