Sick & Tired
11-03-2009, 10:16 AM
Hello everybody.
This is my last resource, i am desperate.
Since i can remember I've been having symptoms of depression and later on i started having panic attacks and i would be terrified to be in my high school. I never went for treatment because honestly i didn't believe in it.
2 years ago i moved away from my family and country to live with my boyfriend at his parent's house. I reached the bottom. Depression came to be as clear as water, i would be grossed of food, demotivated, tired, sad and i would sleep 16h a day minimum to be able to handle my life.
I decided to seek treatment, i realized it was important because i HAD to start studying psychology (long story).
i Started seeing a psychologist and i started taking anti-depressants right away. Initially i had a boost but as the months passed i would go back to the initial point no meter how strong they made my medication it wouldn't put me up. Long story short i have been on 4 types of anti-depressants and none of them helped me!
As i started seeing a new psychologist a mood stabilizer was indicated and she/he thought i might have borderline personality disorder in association with the depression. Slowly my feelings of sadness were replaced by extreme irritability and anger.
I went to see a psychiatrist and he/she barely spoke to me, said i was Bipolar II and gave me an anti-epileptic that was also supposed to help for that. I got better at first, then i developed an allergy but the doctor insisted that i continued taking that. I didn't because the reaction was severe and i went to seek opinion of another psychologist that said she/he have NO idea what i have and gave me an anti-psychotic that made me even more angry, irritable and violent (even though i feel like murdering somebody people around me have no idea i feel like that because i don't show it.).
When i phoned this doctor and said what was happening he/she wanted to put me in the hospital for a few days to test various drugs and manage the side effects...i refused.
I don't trust any doctor here and i am scared what they would give me in a hospital environment. Even though i think about suicide all the time my religious convictions wont allow me to do it and i believe that is not the way out. Yet i am not to the point that i need to be hospitalized (my parents are both physicians back in my country).
Furthermore nobody in the house understands what I'm going through (can't blame them for that) but they can be rude to me sometimes because of that, even though i try to stay out of their way and not talk to anybody not to be rude myself because i am not able to control my mood. I spend day and night being bothered with thoughts of how much i hate this member of the family for being rude to me, yet i cannot be rude to him/her as much as i wish i could. I am unable to react in a violent and angry way, even though sometimes i wish i could.
In resume i have been through 3 psychologists (1 in my country 2 here), 4 psychiatrists (2 in my homeland and 2 here) and i have been said to have chronic depression, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar mood disorder, borderline personality disorder and panic disorders with agoraphobia (although this last one has been much much better and i barely experience such things anymore).
I want to go back home but i can't because i don't want to leave my boyfriend. I know i am a horrible person to live with put i am TRYING to treat myself!!!
I refuse to take anything anybody gives me until i have a clearer picture of what is happening. I am holding myself on anxiolitics, first once a day and now twice a day its not helping anymore.
Please help me:(
This is my last resource, i am desperate.
Since i can remember I've been having symptoms of depression and later on i started having panic attacks and i would be terrified to be in my high school. I never went for treatment because honestly i didn't believe in it.
2 years ago i moved away from my family and country to live with my boyfriend at his parent's house. I reached the bottom. Depression came to be as clear as water, i would be grossed of food, demotivated, tired, sad and i would sleep 16h a day minimum to be able to handle my life.
I decided to seek treatment, i realized it was important because i HAD to start studying psychology (long story).
i Started seeing a psychologist and i started taking anti-depressants right away. Initially i had a boost but as the months passed i would go back to the initial point no meter how strong they made my medication it wouldn't put me up. Long story short i have been on 4 types of anti-depressants and none of them helped me!
As i started seeing a new psychologist a mood stabilizer was indicated and she/he thought i might have borderline personality disorder in association with the depression. Slowly my feelings of sadness were replaced by extreme irritability and anger.
I went to see a psychiatrist and he/she barely spoke to me, said i was Bipolar II and gave me an anti-epileptic that was also supposed to help for that. I got better at first, then i developed an allergy but the doctor insisted that i continued taking that. I didn't because the reaction was severe and i went to seek opinion of another psychologist that said she/he have NO idea what i have and gave me an anti-psychotic that made me even more angry, irritable and violent (even though i feel like murdering somebody people around me have no idea i feel like that because i don't show it.).
When i phoned this doctor and said what was happening he/she wanted to put me in the hospital for a few days to test various drugs and manage the side effects...i refused.
I don't trust any doctor here and i am scared what they would give me in a hospital environment. Even though i think about suicide all the time my religious convictions wont allow me to do it and i believe that is not the way out. Yet i am not to the point that i need to be hospitalized (my parents are both physicians back in my country).
Furthermore nobody in the house understands what I'm going through (can't blame them for that) but they can be rude to me sometimes because of that, even though i try to stay out of their way and not talk to anybody not to be rude myself because i am not able to control my mood. I spend day and night being bothered with thoughts of how much i hate this member of the family for being rude to me, yet i cannot be rude to him/her as much as i wish i could. I am unable to react in a violent and angry way, even though sometimes i wish i could.
In resume i have been through 3 psychologists (1 in my country 2 here), 4 psychiatrists (2 in my homeland and 2 here) and i have been said to have chronic depression, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar mood disorder, borderline personality disorder and panic disorders with agoraphobia (although this last one has been much much better and i barely experience such things anymore).
I want to go back home but i can't because i don't want to leave my boyfriend. I know i am a horrible person to live with put i am TRYING to treat myself!!!
I refuse to take anything anybody gives me until i have a clearer picture of what is happening. I am holding myself on anxiolitics, first once a day and now twice a day its not helping anymore.
Please help me:(